BONUS F: Free yourself to find yourself

Freedom only comes
when you jump
into your life.

I have spent the past 6 months of my life on what I can call none other than a never ending emotional rollercoaster ride though hell. There have been high moments of elation and fun followed by low times of deep sadness and frustration - I hate to admit more of the latter than the former.

While I have spent countless hours seeking the advice and comfort of friends, family members, co workers, doctors, and even potential love interests, none of these outlets have given me the answers or explanations that I seek. However, this is not to discount the great advice and support I have received. Many of these people have been of great moral and emotional support and I owe each person an incredible amount of gratitude for their efforts in helping me cope with my life's stresses.

The latest and greatest place to which my journey toward self discovery has led me is an fairly unfamiliar one - far more so than I'd like to disclose.  This undiscovered sanctuary of potential answers is…(dramatic pause)… church.

I have not been to church of any kind of regular basis in over a decade; and to be quite honest, I’m not entirely certain of what finally subconsciously motivated me to make the trip 60 some blocks uptown to the Church of St Paul the Apostle this past weekend. Whatever the unknown force may have been, I am extremely glad that it propelled me to the cathedral doors on Columbus Avenue.

The Church of St Paul the Apostle, built in 1885

The major premise of this Easter season service was that in order to find ourselves, we must free ourselves from the facets of our lives over which we have no control.

Free yourself to imagine that you are not in control of the things around you – other people’s opinions, the economy, broken relationships…

What a foreign concept – the idea that we as individuals are not necessarily responsible for every aspect of our lives. It is an idea that can certainly lift the proverbial weight from our shoulders to realize that there are certain things we simply cannot control. Perhaps many of us already know there are things in this universe outside of our control, but the ultimate challenge is to truly understand and accept this fact. Once we have come to accept this realization, I surmise and hope that it is slightly easier to breathe and carry on.

This concept of letting go  (after all, it is lent) seems it may give me many heart palpitations in the process of achieving the aforementioned freedom because, to be rather frank, I have a Type A personality – I prefer to do things specifically my way in my time. I like to take control and be responsible; letting someone else drive is simply not in my nature. The pastor said these words verbatim during the service – “live without anxiety.”

Please, sign me up for that life!  No anxiety? Don’t mind if I do.

In all seriousness though, being anxiety free is a conscious choice that we each have to make; and it will certainly be a challenge for me. But the first step in the process of recovery is recognizing that you have a problem, right? So each day going forward, I must repeat to myself “Don’t stress; some things are out of your control.”

You have to leave things behind to go on your own journey to find yourself.

The first thing that I plan to leave behind is the notion that there are answers...there are no answers; there is just a life which we cannot control - and all we can do is hope that the landing is soft when we jump.